Warranty

God’s provision. He doesn’t stop providing if we step and let Him work in and through us. It sounds so simple but it is NOT simple. Especially for this control freak. Right now, I am trying to communicate this to my husband. He just called me and began the conversation with “Ok. God’s provision.” He has had car battery trouble in the last 12 hrs - fortunately all within a quarter mile of our home. He went to Auto Zone or Advanced Auto or whatever - it was a battery bought in 2015 with a 2yr warranty, so they just swapped it out! God provides even when we worry. He does. Sometimes we worry out loud, but we are whispering “God I can’t do this right now. I need Your help.” Adonai, help me be consumed by Your provision in such a way that I have nothing left but dependence on You.

Be a vessel

2 Timothy 2:20-21

Now in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver but also of wood and clay, some for honorable use, some for dishonorable. Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work.

I read this scripture over and over, praying to God to make me a vessel. Each day, I lay myself before the foot of the cross and ask the Lord to use me for His good and perfect plan. I want to be set apart as holy. The Message version of The Bible describes the vessels as crystal goblets and compost buckets. Every day, I feel like a heap of compost. Every day, I seek to be a crystal goblet. A pastor once said to set God’s standard as my destination. Yesterday, our pastor spoke about man’s failure and God’s faithfulness. I am a failure and yet God has proven faithful time and time again. He has redeemed my sins. Comprehending love on this level blows my mind! I want to be a vessel of honorable use to the master of the house, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He is sovereign. He is faithful. He is just. He is my Redeemer. I want to be a vessel that pours out love onto people everyday. Oh, Precious Heavenly Father, open me and use me to glorify Your Kingdom.

The work of a swimmer

Before the Rock Star entered my life, I had serious doubts about opportunities to become a wife or mother. In fact, I was prepared to 1.) teach overseas at an international school 2.) become a surrogate (gestational carrier). The first one didn't happen because I didn't have a master's degree. The second one didn't happen because I met the Rock Star. Everything changed in that moment. I found my home.

Let's go back to the surrogate thing. Since childhood, I have known that being pregnant was something I would always enjoy. The phenomenon of carrying a child inside the human female body still blows my mind. My wish was to have a 6 man football team for every holiday gathering. If that wasn't possible, I wanted to be a surrogate for male homosexual couples. Alas and alak, it will be many, many years before the State of Texas grants marital and parental equality. We won't allow marital equality, sterilization of indigent drug addicts or reversing a vehicle with the use of side mirrors only. It is all so confusing. Yet, we have newly-granted open carry laws to protect ourselves. I think we may be protecting the wrong things.

I digress.....God gave me the responsibility of birthing one child. ONE. He knew I wanted 6 boys. He gave me 1 girl. Ya think He knew what I was going to be up against? Yes. She is a pistol. Smart, Stubborn, Willful, Dramatic, Funny, Creative and the light of our family. She is our glue. We work hard to raise a human and not a hoodlum. Some days are easier than others. Some days are battles. Some days we have to walk away and laugh. 

We have tried for 3 years to conceive another child. Nothing. We believe that sex is for recreation and procreation. Procreational sex is stressful and I'm tired of worrying about it. Stressful sex is NOT fun & I am tired of being disappointed each time my period makes its monthly appearance. In the last two months, we have run the gamut of baseline fertility tests which were way too expensive and horribly time consuming. More stressful that procreational sex, really. Our goal was to find out "why not?" and go from there. The "Why Not" is simple - I'm getting older and my body is producing less viable eggs. Everything else is normal. The Rock Star has plenty of swimmers but most of them are abnormally shaped. Sperm Morphology - most of his swimmers have a divided tail that make it difficult to swim fast/in a good direction OR they have an abnormally shaped head which makes contact with the egg difficult.  There is no proven cause or reason why this happens, but it is a common issue among men. Apparently. How our daughter was conceived in August/September 2010 - I have NO IDEA. We had only tried to conceive for 3 months. It was dadgum miracle, I tell ya. It was God. He knew what we needed. 

Personally, I am anti-fertility procedures/medicine/treatments. You can do it. Your sister can do it. That's fine - we are all entitled to our opinions and I respect yours. I am not willing to do that to my body. Altering my body in order to have a baby is not worth my time or heartache. Nor am I willing to spend that kind of money - almost $30,000? No, thank you. Having a baby is not worth going into more debt. I'd rather pay off the current debt and spend the money on a good vacation.

We will probably never go on a real vacation. 

Just so you know - whoever you are - we are returning to recreational sex. Just living our lives. Enjoying our marriage, raising our daughter, finding joy in our home, praising God for his bountiful blessings and loving the life He has bestowed upon us. 

I'm still in the head space of 2 Timothy 2: 15, 19, 20-21:

Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the Word of Truth......God's firm foundation stands, bearing His seal - "The Lord knows those who are His,".......Now in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver but also of wood and clay, some for honorable use, some for dishonorable. Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as Holy, useful to the Master of the house, ready for every good work. 

Why not? Because God has other good work for me to do.