I'm sorry

Gary Chapman wrote The Five Love Languages - which I have read several times as well as The Five Love Languages of Children and The Five Love Languages of Teenagers. Fascinating relationship skills. Then Gary Chapman wrote the The Five Languages of Apology. This may sound weird, but it is a good read and I it was a requested Christmas gift several years ago. People think I'm crazy. They may be correct. I learned so much about how I apologize, how other people apologize (or don't) and how I accept apologies. I'm not an expert, but it broadened my relationship skills. Like all topics, this information has bled into my parenting skills.

Children need to know how to say "I'm sorry." We have been diligent with Meg about this skill and it is beginning to pay off. It is not enough to only say "sorry" after a wrongdoing. A quick "Sorry" means nothing to either person. She must say "I'm sorry for..." then name the wrong actions - not following directions, being disobedient, saying no, not being a good friend, not sharing, etc., etc., etc.. This is important. 

Apologies must be immediate, honest, aware, and sincere. Most of all, we must all be able to apologize. It is where repentance begins - remorse and confession for sin. Saying "I'm sorry" leads to "Please forgive me". This is all part of our relationship with God. 

There will be people in our lives that refuse to apologize to other people. This is so frustrating because it blocks the growth of any relationship. The person who does not apologize will always remain in control of the relationship - in a negative way - and will cultivate a weedy garden of mistrust.

Am I mad at someone today for not apologizing? No. I just dealt with a toddler who refused to apologize and the topic began to rattle around in my head. The skill of apologizing should be taught at a very young age. Don't skip this step. It is vital to human relationships of all ages.

Saying "I'm sorry" is just as valuable as "I love you".

And "I love you" is not an apology, but that is another day's topic.

God's Provisions

If we just look to God's provisions as part of our journey, this is how He allowed it to unfold.

January 2010 - the realization that I was creating moments in other people's lives, not my own. And that I considered those moments to be huge when really, they were very small. "What am I doing?"

March 23, 2011 - I began making the snowball.

April 2014 - Steve resigned from Faith United Methodist Church in Spring, TX

May 2014 - We began attending Champion Forest Baptist Church North Campus.

June 2014 - God began to convict me each Sunday through the sermon - "When will you stop and give this to me?" over and over and over until I began hearing myself say, "I can't live like this anymore." Every week. He would not let it rest.

July 2014 - I began to tithe 5% of my income - the first time, I ever tithed on a regular basis. From this point, our bank accounts were never $0. 

March 2015 - a cry for help because the snowball was too large to handle.

September 22, 2015 - a phone call. Another cry for help. Friends who helped without hesitation.

September 23 - Do the Right Thing. Stop the snowball. Repent. Confess. 

September 24 - Give the snowball away because "I cannot live like this anymore."

September 25 - Resigned from a 20 year teaching career. Told our families. Told our friends and prayed with them.

September 26 - received grace from friends

September 27 - survived church without a breakdown

September 28 - received a State Farm refund check for $74. Steve received a $3/hour pay increase. I began counseling.

September 29 - Stranger gave us 2 tickets to the zoo.

September 30 - We met with our pastor.

October 1 - bank resolved a 1 year old issue from June 2014 and we received a $150 credit. Steve & I discussed a variety of incomes - one of them being voice lessons. Within 5 minutes, I received a text requesting voice lessons.

October 2 - began teaching voice lessons. God showed me 2 Kings 4:1-7 and 2 Timothy 2:21 - God will provide and I must allow Him to use me for His good work.

October 4 - Our Life Group class began praying for us. I ordered a book for Meg from Amazon - the cost was $.56 because of a credit that Amazon could not explain or find origin. God began working on my heart through 2 Timothy.

October 5 - I began relying on God's Word to guide my anxious heart. 2 Peter 3:14 "Even if you should suffer for doing what is right, you will receive a blessing. Don't let them frighten you. Don't be intimidated." (The Voice). At Cheryl's urging, I began to pray for those in authority - Hebrews 13:17, 1 Timothy 2:1-6, Romans 13:1-2

October 16 - I shared our story with a friend. He reacted with God's grace. God revealed this to Steve "Many Christians are unthinkably horrified when a real sinner is suddenly discovered among the righteous. So we remain alone in our sin, living in lies and hypocrisy." The Ragamuffin Gospel, Brennan Manning.

October 19 - Steve begins a promoted position as IT Floorwalker. Meg's Halloween costume that Gram made - cost maybe $6 because she used fabric that she already had. I contacted the Class Administrator of Bible Study Fellowship near me. She responded that day - yes, there were waiting lists, but it was possible that there was a spot open.

October 20 - BSF Children's Program Coordinator contacted me to say that yes, there was an opening for Meg in the Children's Program, therefore, an opening for me. 

October 21 - Meg & I began attending BSF at Champion Forest Baptist Church. Cheryl shared Psalm 32 with me and I began studying Revelation. I picked up the BSF study in Revelation 2 - John is addressing the 3 church pertaining to the importance of repentance.

October 22 - God's love for His people and His redeeming grace shown through 2 Timothy 3:16-17, Hebrews 4:12-13, Jeremiah 23:29, Ephesians 5:25-27, 1 Peter 1:22-25, Psalm 34

October 23 - John 7:4 "For no one works in secret if he seeks to be known openly."

October 25 - "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." - Jim Elliot

October 30 - Riser Vocal Studio is up and running with 6 students.

January 2016 - Riser Vocal Studio has 11 students.

And on and on and on it goes......God continues to provide for us. 

To think that we never fully trusted God to take care of us until September 23........

Up the Hill & Down the Hill

My daughter and I love to tell the story of Mr. Wiggle and Mr. Waggle - a fingerplay/vocal exploration story. The story explores highs and lows in the speaking voice to describe travel to and from each other's houses. 

This week has been a bit of low with a new wrinkle in our journey. Today, I just wanted to lay in bed all day and hide under the covers. With a 4 yr old who has not learned how to work the remote controls of the tv - that is next to impossible. I did get some sleep, but how do you explain these feelings to a child? "Momma has a headache because my eyes hurt."  Yes, I speak in 3rd person and don't know why.

Here's what we are dealing with - ME. I messed up. No good excuse for the whole ordeal, but it got too big for me. So big, I had to stop it. I brought it to a screeching halt. I just could not live with myself any longer.  I was dying inside and had been for a long time, but God had been hammering me with conviction for over a year. The thing had to stop. I had to repent. I had to sacrifice parts of my life that were so important to me that I lost sight of the rest. My husband and I laid ourselves at the foot of cross, broken by our transgressions, exhausted from the weight, and asked God to forgive our sins. Immediately, the burden was lifted and the healing began. 

But today, I wanted to bury my head in the sand. Tomorrow will be different.

Now, four months later, I just want the whole thing to be over. It is not. I sense that the worst is yet to come. Hopefully, that anticipation is wrong. There are hurdles that remain in the path. 

God, in His infinite glory, will see us through. God has not promised to protect us FROM suffering, He has promised to protect us IN our suffering. 

Protect us now, Almighty God. Keep our hearts looking to you, our minds focused on things above, and our eyes......let us see you clearly when there are hurdles to clear.   

Ripples

We can’t tell our full story yet. It is not time. But I can testify to the everything God has done for us since September 26 - things that would have never been possible before. Why? Because I wasn't really listening to God. I had taken control into my own hands for the last 4 years and when I released it, He stepped in and took over. What a powerful journey this has been and continues to be. I will list the provisions another day, but here are some ‘ripples’ of our story.

#1

Monday October 19 - Looking for a weekly “something”, I contacted the Class Administrator of Bible Study Fellowship at Champion Forest Baptist Church to express interest. She responded that day.

Tuesday October 20 - The Children’s Program Supervisor contacted me to say there was a spot open for my daughter. I told my friend Cheryl about this situation.

Wednesday October 21 - I attended Bible Study Fellowship for the first time and haven’t looked back.

Why is this a ripple?

Unbeknownst to us, our friend Kelly had been in that BSF class, small group and her youngest son in the Children’s Program. Kelly & her husband, Derek, were praying about stepping back from BSF because she didn’t feel like she could fully commit and wanted to open a spot for someone who could. Our mutual friend, Cheryl, now knew the situation from both sides and kept the matter private. This BSF class has 800 women in it - with waiting lists - yet I was able to slide right in without a sound.

Wednesday, November 18 - We sit down to share our entire story with Kelly & Derek. We relay the BSF situation, and the look on their faces was the realization of answered prayer. What they had prayed for had affected someone close to them - ME - and they had no idea!

Cheryl & Andy and Kelly & Derek - they are our Life Group leaders at church.

God be praised for this ripple!

#2

One weeknight in December, I went to Kroger. As I left, a downpour of rain began. I saw the manager of the UPS Store standing by the bicycle rack looking at his bike and the rain. I asked, “How far away do you live?” He said not too far. I told him to throw the bike in the van so I could take him home. “Really?” he said. Yep.

Let me stop - it is completely out of the ordinary for me to do this type of thing. If Meg was with me, I probably would not have done it. We have had our mailing address at the UPS store for nearly 10 years - another story for another day - so this man, Ray, was familiar to me. He was relatively new to the staff, but I had seen him enough to be acquainted with him.

It was a 10 minute drive, the rain poured down & we talked the entire way. He was a really great young man - very humble and grateful.

A few weeks later, I was in the UPS store to pick up mail. Ray was not working, but the owner was there. Chet saw me, we said hello, he got my mail, the store was busy, and I stopped for a moment. I told him about taking Ray home and what a great young man he had hired. Chet was very concerned that one of his employees was riding a bike to work, I told him it was a free ride so why did it matter? The guy was being smart with his money in my mind. I really just wanted Chet to know how much I thought of Ray.

The week after Christmas, I walked in the UPS store to pick up my mail. Ray was there. We said hello in passing. Then he looked at me with this ELECTRIC look of happiness on his face, “Hey, I wanted to let you know that I got a car! AND a promotion!” I thought my heart was going to fly out of my chest. He began to talk about the blessings of God in the past few weeks, and all I wanted to do was scream with joy. The greatness of God’s love and kindness radiated from this man!

Why is this significant? Because where I am right now in life and my walk with Christ, I made a very fast decision to be kind. This is unusual for me - kindness is something I have to THINK about & act on purpose. I gave a man a ride home - I didn’t think about safety, time, or anything else - it was instinctive. The normal part of this story is me talking to Chet about how great I thought his employee was - no agenda just a genuine compliment - I believe this part of life is good people skills.

Little did I know how God was going to use me in that man’s life. God be praised for this ripple of blessings!

#3

Last week, Cheryl texted me - “There is a young lady at church going through a difficult time who needs childcare for her infant. What is the name of Meg’s daycare?” I gave her the information - phone number, director’s name, pricing, etc.. I left it with a “Hope it works out!”

Last night, Cheryl told me that the young woman was able to enroll her child at this childcare facility I recommended. The gift of peace she received when she placed her little baby in a very caring teacher’s arms was a blessing.

God be praised for continuous ripples of blessings!

Precious Heavenly Father, I lay myself before your throne every day seeking to be used for your glory. Thank you for allowing me to be blessed by other’s decisions and be a blessing to others. Continue to use me in this and many other ways.

Warranty

God’s provision. He doesn’t stop providing if we step and let Him work in and through us. It sounds so simple but it is NOT simple. Especially for this control freak. Right now, I am trying to communicate this to my husband. He just called me and began the conversation with “Ok. God’s provision.” He has had car battery trouble in the last 12 hrs - fortunately all within a quarter mile of our home. He went to Auto Zone or Advanced Auto or whatever - it was a battery bought in 2015 with a 2yr warranty, so they just swapped it out! God provides even when we worry. He does. Sometimes we worry out loud, but we are whispering “God I can’t do this right now. I need Your help.” Adonai, help me be consumed by Your provision in such a way that I have nothing left but dependence on You.

Be a vessel

2 Timothy 2:20-21

Now in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver but also of wood and clay, some for honorable use, some for dishonorable. Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work.

I read this scripture over and over, praying to God to make me a vessel. Each day, I lay myself before the foot of the cross and ask the Lord to use me for His good and perfect plan. I want to be set apart as holy. The Message version of The Bible describes the vessels as crystal goblets and compost buckets. Every day, I feel like a heap of compost. Every day, I seek to be a crystal goblet. A pastor once said to set God’s standard as my destination. Yesterday, our pastor spoke about man’s failure and God’s faithfulness. I am a failure and yet God has proven faithful time and time again. He has redeemed my sins. Comprehending love on this level blows my mind! I want to be a vessel of honorable use to the master of the house, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He is sovereign. He is faithful. He is just. He is my Redeemer. I want to be a vessel that pours out love onto people everyday. Oh, Precious Heavenly Father, open me and use me to glorify Your Kingdom.

The work of a swimmer

Before the Rock Star entered my life, I had serious doubts about opportunities to become a wife or mother. In fact, I was prepared to 1.) teach overseas at an international school 2.) become a surrogate (gestational carrier). The first one didn't happen because I didn't have a master's degree. The second one didn't happen because I met the Rock Star. Everything changed in that moment. I found my home.

Let's go back to the surrogate thing. Since childhood, I have known that being pregnant was something I would always enjoy. The phenomenon of carrying a child inside the human female body still blows my mind. My wish was to have a 6 man football team for every holiday gathering. If that wasn't possible, I wanted to be a surrogate for male homosexual couples. Alas and alak, it will be many, many years before the State of Texas grants marital and parental equality. We won't allow marital equality, sterilization of indigent drug addicts or reversing a vehicle with the use of side mirrors only. It is all so confusing. Yet, we have newly-granted open carry laws to protect ourselves. I think we may be protecting the wrong things.

I digress.....God gave me the responsibility of birthing one child. ONE. He knew I wanted 6 boys. He gave me 1 girl. Ya think He knew what I was going to be up against? Yes. She is a pistol. Smart, Stubborn, Willful, Dramatic, Funny, Creative and the light of our family. She is our glue. We work hard to raise a human and not a hoodlum. Some days are easier than others. Some days are battles. Some days we have to walk away and laugh. 

We have tried for 3 years to conceive another child. Nothing. We believe that sex is for recreation and procreation. Procreational sex is stressful and I'm tired of worrying about it. Stressful sex is NOT fun & I am tired of being disappointed each time my period makes its monthly appearance. In the last two months, we have run the gamut of baseline fertility tests which were way too expensive and horribly time consuming. More stressful that procreational sex, really. Our goal was to find out "why not?" and go from there. The "Why Not" is simple - I'm getting older and my body is producing less viable eggs. Everything else is normal. The Rock Star has plenty of swimmers but most of them are abnormally shaped. Sperm Morphology - most of his swimmers have a divided tail that make it difficult to swim fast/in a good direction OR they have an abnormally shaped head which makes contact with the egg difficult.  There is no proven cause or reason why this happens, but it is a common issue among men. Apparently. How our daughter was conceived in August/September 2010 - I have NO IDEA. We had only tried to conceive for 3 months. It was dadgum miracle, I tell ya. It was God. He knew what we needed. 

Personally, I am anti-fertility procedures/medicine/treatments. You can do it. Your sister can do it. That's fine - we are all entitled to our opinions and I respect yours. I am not willing to do that to my body. Altering my body in order to have a baby is not worth my time or heartache. Nor am I willing to spend that kind of money - almost $30,000? No, thank you. Having a baby is not worth going into more debt. I'd rather pay off the current debt and spend the money on a good vacation.

We will probably never go on a real vacation. 

Just so you know - whoever you are - we are returning to recreational sex. Just living our lives. Enjoying our marriage, raising our daughter, finding joy in our home, praising God for his bountiful blessings and loving the life He has bestowed upon us. 

I'm still in the head space of 2 Timothy 2: 15, 19, 20-21:

Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the Word of Truth......God's firm foundation stands, bearing His seal - "The Lord knows those who are His,".......Now in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver but also of wood and clay, some for honorable use, some for dishonorable. Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as Holy, useful to the Master of the house, ready for every good work. 

Why not? Because God has other good work for me to do. 

The Music Man experience

Our seats are 1^st Mezzanine, Row B, Seats 1 & 2 – VERY good seats. On the aisle. Smart. We could see everything. They were a gift from a beloved friend who wanted me & Meg to enjoy an experience together. I sit on the aisle seat, she sits in seat 2. To her left is an older man who I pray to God has a forgiving heart.

(TUTS Chairman of the Board steps out to speak & push the 2015-2016 season.) 

M: Why is that big curtain there?...Where is the Music Man?....(listening to what is being said) Cinderella is here too!?....Where is Mary Poppins!?....The Little Mermaid is here?!

T: (trying to quietly answer her questions as fast as they shot out of her mouth)

M: (Overture begins) Momma, look there are music notes on the curtain! Where is the Music Man?

T: We haven’t seen him yet.

M: (First scene begins) What are they doing? Where is the Music Man?

T: They are riding on a train, listen to what they are saying! The Music Man is on stage but we don’t see him yet.

M: (2nd scene) I'm thirsty.

T: Ok. (wondering how I am going to solve this problem and trying to figure out how to keep her in the seat)

M: (3rd scene begins - we move up a few rows to disturb less people) Where is the Music Man? (Gymnasium scene) Is THAT the Music Man? Where are the 6 bones? I'm thirsty.

M: (4^th scene begins - we exit the theater to find the water fountain) Where are we going?

T: To find the water fountain

M: Then we can go back inside and find the Music Man?

T: No.

M: Why?

T: Because once you leave the theater, you cannot go back inside until the break.

M: Why?

T: Because we will disturb people and that’s the rule.

M: I’m thirsty.

T: (we find the water fountain and M takes A SIP)

M: Ok I’m done.

T: Seriously!?!? Well, you need to drink more than that.

M: (she sips a little bit more)

T: Let’s go potty.

M: I don’t have to go potty.

T: Well, I do.

M: Well, I’ll stand out here in the hall.

T: No you won’t. Come in here. Now.

M: Ok. (reluctant)

M: (singing in the bathroom) Momma, I LOVE how my voice sounds in the bathroom. So big!

T: Yes, these walls are good for that kind of sound. (leave the restroom & head to the lobby for snacks)

(At intermission, the people flood into the lobby for snacks)

M: Momma, where is everybody going?

T: Ummm……

M: Are they getting something to eat?

T: Yes! Then it is time to go home.

M: Oh! In our car?

T: Not everybody can fit in our car. Just me and you.

M: Yeh, they have to drive their own cars. Right, Momma?

T: Yes. We better get going!

M: I don’t wanna ride the elevator.

T: Okay, we can go down the stairs!

M: Okay!

We get to the car, exit the parking garage, and we were not even out of downtown Houston – she was sound asleep.

All I could think – “Well, I’m glad we didn’t go to Disney World!”

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

It has rained for 2 days. I shoulda planted my garden last week but I was trying not to spend money. I wish my laundry was done. I coulda started and finished it, but I took a nap then went to lunch with a friend. And got a pedicure. I woulda taken the time cook dinner, but I was refereeing two 3yo girls. 

Excuses, excuses. Nobody's fault by my own. If I would just take care of Tescille, I'd have my hands full. An excuse is a skin of a reason stuffed with a lie. Build a bridge and get over it.

My Momma was full of idioms that I hear pouring out of my mouth daily. My favorite one was a threat to take her seriously when punishing me, "If you say a cuss word again at school, I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap." Here it is...."And if you think I'm kiddin', just stand by and watch!" I learned to take her seriously. Especially after I called a boy in my 6th grade science class a 'bitch.' The teacher wrote it on the report card - they used to do that, ya know. I had to get the report card signed and punishment came the next morning. Before leaving for school, Momma took me in the bathroom and squeezed Palmolive dish soap on my toothbrush. Yes, I had to brush with it. But wait. There is more. She allowed me to spit out the excess, but she would not allow me to rinse. She took me to school with a mouth full of soap. When the van door opened, I bolted into the school and ran straight for the water fountain. 

To this day, green Palmolive liquid dish soap is not allowed in my home.

Did it work? Did I stop cussing? Well, I shoulda....

Being Digital

Last night, we walked through the office supply section of Walmart and there were 5 subject spiral notebooks. I thought, "Who even needs those dinosaurs anymore?" To which I replied in thought, "A bunch of people who are not as digital you, Tescille."

When earpieces were all the rage to go hands-free on a cellphone, I thought bluetooth was stupid. "Why do people need to have conversations with other people like they are talking to a ghost?!?!?!?!"

I have changed my bluetooth perspective in the last year. No earpiece, thank you. Bluetooth tethers my smartphone to the smart soundbar for our Smart TV and I can listen to commercial free music on Amazon Prime Music. I gotta be honest, I LOVE this digital luxury.

Kindly honest or honestly kind?

Being kind is better than being honest. 

I could care less about being kind. Honest conversations change the world. Kindness is great to a point, but most people just use it to band-aid the real problem that honesty could easily solve. I am not kind enough for this world. Why is honesty regarded as rude if one chooses to be sincere about the delivery?  Rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant.......I didn't get my way today so I'm a bit frustrated. More like mad.

Let's just stop.

There are Moms who do it all. There are Moms who don't do it all. There are Moms who feel like they rule the world. There are Moms who feel like the world runs them. There are Moms who judge each other, but that's another conversation on another day. There are Moms who are self-proclaimed Bad Moms. Self-deprecation is all the rage, y'all. There are Moms who need friends. There are Moms who don't need friends. There are Moms who struggle. With everything. There are Moms who don't want to be Moms. There are Moms who just want to be a Mom. There are Moms.......and on and on and on and on it goes.

How about this? How about we, as women, just BE. Just be yourself. Know thyself. Stop putting a label on it and wearing it like a badge of honor. Just be. And be happy about it. 

I am exhausted by the Super Mom complex. Honestly, being Type A this role is easy for me to slip into, but it comes with lots of issues. It is tiring to hear the Bad Moms proclaim all the things they do wrong, although most of it is very, very funny. My heart hurts for the women who have children and don't know what to do with them. My heart hurts more for the women who yearn for a child and will never have one. These women need to switch lives.  

When do we stop forming sororities, Moms groups, book clubs, and parties in an effort to have a 'support' group for Moms? I don't need to join a group to know who I am!  Most likely, none of us do. When we form these pseudo-support groups - who are we excluding from our not-so-secret club? 

I'll tell you. I was single, and I enjoyed it. I learned who I was because nobody talked to me. Then I was married and I love it. I'm still learning who I am. There is an odd phenomenon when one gets married - suddenly, you are welcomed into this club of women who want to be your friend because you are married but don't necessarily want to talk about being married. Especially don't talk about sex! Then 8 years into marriage, we were both ready to have children and we had one. So far no more, even though I would like a 6 man football team to round things out. Then another odd phenomenon occurs - welcome to the Mommy Club. Ewww. Talking about breastfeeding and body fluids is acceptable, but sex is not? I do not understand. 

Why is the Mommy Club treated like a sorority and Moms must support one another?  And you are excluded if you don't support one another? Mommy Clubs make me sick to my stomach. Why can't I choose to support other people (humans, in general) on my own accord? Why does a MOPS group need to make a video holding up signs encouraging us to support one another? Why is this necessary? Do Moms really need that much validation because "being a Mom is hard"? Yuck. Let's put our lack of self-worth on display and parade it like we are riding a crazy train. Are we changing the world this way?

Honestly, I would much rather be friends with a single woman who has no children than a Mom who needs another Mom to feel better about herself. I feel fine, thank you. I've wanted to be a Mom since I was very young, but never thought it would come true. I have a child who enhances my life. She makes life better each day. So does my husband - my best friend. I'm happy being a mom because I'm happy with myself. Most days. Today. If tomorrow doesn't work, I'll figure it out.

Women. Stop the insanity of prejudice. Stop separating the women of this world into clubs that don't matter. Being a Mom is not hard. Just be a Mom. Just be. Be honest yourself and with one another. Then work on being kind. Especially if you need to put a label on it. Most of all, just share love. The people that share love - open, honest, without condition - are the greatest support group of all.

How does your garlic grow?

Well, my garlic is growing mighty fine. Especially since I don't know what garlic should look like while it grows. 

Yesterday, The Rock Star and The Firstborn Child were sent to play with cousins so Momma could do some home management. Gardening, laundry, napping, catching up on dvr'd shows, dishes, etc. - I felt rested and accomplished by the time they returned.

Anti-depressants and psychotherapy help the emotional weeds of my life. There are plenty and if I'm not careful, I get stuck in the muck and mire of it all. Weeding the garden is an endorphin rush for me (this was not the case as a teenager with Mom giving directives). I was a girl who loved to make mudpies and we had good sandy clay in Central Texas to keep me busy. It feels great to sit in a dirt mix that I created - that anyone can create - one half Miracle Gro Garden Soil, one quarter bagged compost, one quarter bagged top soil. Next year, I will buy that stuff in bulk instead of bag. And I'll have my own compost! 

Bugs in the garden - I'm still learning - this pest is more difficult to detect because they can be chameleons. At least weeds stand up to proclaim their presence. There is something that eats holes in my basil leaves, I haven't found it yet. I spread garden insect dust last week. I use Miracle Gro LiquaFeed once a week. Bugs are my next project. 

But the garden is growing very nicely. Foliage is getting larger, heights are being increased, buds appear. Life is good. 

Name calling

I am Tescille. I was Tescille Cole for 31 years. I have been Tescille Riser for 11 years now. I am Babe, Momma, Cille, Mrs. Riser, Aunt Cille, a cook, a reader, a singer, a musician, an overchiever, a mentor.

Today, I was Farmer Riser. 

Choir directors spend so much time indoors that we create a world that is much like Seattle. Overcast, humid, drizzly, chilly, and seriously lacking in Vitamin D. The past three weeks, I have tried to get outdoors. I'm successful on the weekends. Every weekday, I've been trying to make it home before the sun sets so that I could work in my garden. Home before the sun sets......very rare in my line of work. 

I finally achieved it today. I got home at 5pm and had a couple hours of daylight remaining. I got my work clothes on and climbed in the garden. Ok, I swung a leg over the 24 inch tall fence we built to keep the dog out of the garden. That was money well spent. The Firstborn Child played with the dog while I worked - listening to endless chatter. 

First, I weeded the garden. Ummmm....this is SERIOUS psychotherapy. Better than any adult beverage. No shoes or gloves, just me working in the dirt. What an amazing feeling. Then I cultivated the soil with my Garden Weasel - the dog barks at this tool for some reason. I found some black ants, cultivated some Sevin Dust in that patch, then began planting onions and garlic. Afterwards, I felt like a million dollars. It felt good to get dirty again. 

Finally, compost. Oh, how I love compost. I researched composters online since I have no skills to build one. I found a $25 piece of heavy duty plastic called a GEOBIN - a composting system. A roll of plastic that takes less than 5 minutes to set up. I took the neighbors yard clippings (2 big bags worth) and dumped them in. Oh, how they stunk from sitting in those plastic bags for 5 days. Stinky, sweet, and moldy. Good compost. I've been adding kitchen scraps tonight. I'm going to let nature do the work from here. 

Growing stuff, making compost....Farmer Riser. It feels GOOD.

Other people's birthdays

The world revolves around me.

There. I said it. That is the entire summary for what you are about to read. 

Birthdays are days. Birthdays are regular ol' days like any other day. There are very few people in my life who understand this philosophy. You have to be raised to believe this philosophy out of necessity. Necessity is "we don't have money for that." 

I was raised blue collar working class. We had money. Not much. Whatever Dad earned in his paycheck....he cashed it, paid bills, and bought groceries. You can't even enter gas into the equation because in the 80s it was cheap - between 79 cents and $2 per gallon. On a good day, it cost $25 to fill up the van. We never traveled very far either. Whatever Mom earned in the random paychecks she received....well, the money was spent before we knew it existed.

Back to birthdays.....we were allowed a birthday party every 3 years because there were 3 children. On the other years, Mom cooked our favorite dinner and made a cake. Beautifully decorated. For several years, I had Holly Hobbie cakes - every year was a different color dress. If Mom was broke on your birthday party year, no party. I remember my 12 year old birthday party. We must have had money that year. I invited friends to my party. We ate at Mama's Pizza in College Station and went to see Splash with Tom Hanks & Darryl Hannah. We sat on the front row. That was cool. Mom & her friends sat further back. Otherwise, I don't remember birthday parties. 

Birthdays are not a big deal. No fanfare. The MOST special thing about all of our birthdays was that MeMe called at 7:30am and sang Happy Birthday to us. She never, ever failed. Still to this day, I long to hear the phone ring at 7:30am on March 23 and hear Lucille Newcomb's sweet voice. She sounded like an old lady before she was really old. She was divine. She gave gifts later in the day, but that first gift of the morning was priceless. Grandma (Dad's mother) baked a white cake in a pan with white frosting and made homemade ice cream in a stainless steel bowl. That was the weekend before or after our birthday at the farm. Grandparents born in between WWI & WWII were sincere minimalists. 

Musical moments that will make you GASP: 

1.) I cannot just whip out "Happy Birthday" on the piano. I know it is probably a C7 chord to begin with, but that's all I can do. I do, however, own the printed sheet music because the song is STILL under copyright, never to grace the doors of public domain. 

2.) I cannot sing harmony on the song. I can sing harmony on nearly every song in the known world, but never learned that one.

It wasn't until I started teaching that I began to understand that other people don't celebrate birthdays the same way. I would call out an event date in class (upcoming concert or contest or social event), and  a hand would be raised in the air. Not to ask a question, but to say "That is my Uncle Tony's birthday!" or "That's 5 days before my  mom's birthday!" or "That's MY birthday!" 

I've been teaching 19 years and that situation has happened a thousand times. I just did the math, at most I have taught 3,363 days. Just 1/5 of my life. No trumpets on that one? Darn.

Early on, I made it my classroom policy NOT to sing Happy Birthday to every student. Teaching in the elementary music classroom, I would have been singing that song 2-3x daily. I tried. Oh, how I tried! I tried to get into it, but nobody liked my silly version of a Vowels Only Happy Birthday. And at the middle school, I would be singing it 4x every week. I gave up. 

Here is my classroom birthday acknowledgement policy:

I will say "Happy Birthday" to a student IF I am reminded that it is their birthday, but I will not sing it to them OR let the whole class sing it to them. If I sang that song EVERY DAY of the year, "Happy Birthday" would not be special on MY birthday. For the record, I could care less if anyone sings it to me on my birthday. Non-musicians, please don't attempt it.  I do not want to hear ANYONE sing this song out of tune or the worst of all.....spoken loudly in something near the original rhythm. Musicians who can sing in harmony - you are encouraged & appreciated for your efforts.

I am the Ebenezer Scrooge of Happy Birthdays.

Step-skippers go to Hell.

Mr. MacLemore, my 8th grade Algebra teacher, said this the first day of school. It is the most true statement of life and I've held on to it. Most of the time, I don't skip steps. Sometimes, I do. But no one can tell me that I don't use Algebra everyday of my life. I use it EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Step-skippers go to Hell.

I skipped the laundry step last weekend. It was my birthday. Who cares? The whole house cares when clean clothes cannot be found anywhere. Not only that, but we were working off of the clean laundry that was still sitting in the baskets from the previous week.

This morning, The Rock Star blew a gasket because there were no clean white undershirts. Leaving him to choose from his collection of t-shirts. None of which satisfied him. He must have gone through 15 t-shirts, all the while slamming drawers, stomping around the house, huffing and puffing, yelling. This even-keeled man rarely gets angry, but when he does.....it's best to just relax and let him blow out the door in a rage. 

I couldn't find clean underwear that satisfied me, so I put on a pair that I hate and a black maxi dress. I wasn't mad at home, but I was mad at school. Wearing a pair of underwear that is not comfortable for a day of work made me tell my students "Find something quiet and productive to do, Momma's in a bad mood." And they did. The passionate choir director could not be found. The Rock Star was in a mood. I was in a mood. 

The Firstborn Child. She was happy as a clam. 

She has not been introduced to the Rule of Life that Balances Everything. Step-skippers go to Hell. 

I didn't do laundry - the one chore I love the most - and today was my Hell.

Spring Sprang Sprung

Today is my 42nd birthday. Everyone likes to celebrate their birthday differently. The Rock Star likes a grand affair. The Firstborn Child likes everyone's birthday. I have always preferred to celebrate quietly. No fanfare. No party. Time with friends is a plus. Time with immediate family is a requirement. I want a nice meal of my choosing. I want to do something that I want to do. This year, I wanted to work on my garden. 

The Rock Star and The Firstborn Child gave me a bucket of gardening stuff for my birthday. I am a bit excited about playing in the dirt. 

Earlier in the week, our lawn maintenance guy tilled up the garden that the owner of the house created. Yesterday, we went to Lowe's and bought more gardening stuff including topsoil and garden soil. Plus we bought fencing to keep the puppy out of the garden. We didn't buy enough dirt to do the job. Hmmmm....

160 lbs of topsoil and 4 cu ft of garden soil did not go very far. I have no idea what I'm doing. Really. I remember what my Dad when he created and cared for his garden. I remember what my Mom did in her mother's flower beds. I've read a few web articles. Otherwise, I approach this adventure like I do cooking. Just eyespot it, something will happen. Since I didn't know enough to look for a tool to spread the dirt around, I did it with my bare feet. I know enough to create a simple fence even though I've never built one before. 

Let's stop for a second and talk about the flower bed in front of the house. There are 4-5 patches of deep red amaryllis bulbs in this area - created by the homeowner. After blooming, the very long leaves were looking pretty sad. One day, after work, I cut all the leaves off. I figured if they were bulbs, they would most likely grow back. I think that's how annuals work. My brother thought that I deadheaded them too late in the season. Nope. They are growing back quickly - healthy green leaves. In another month or two, this whole bed will be covered in the long green leaves and deep red blooms will open up.

Today, we hired a babysitter while we went for my birthday meal at Babin's. I love to eat fish. Any kind suits me. Today, I chose Golden Tile and it was delicious. During this time, the babysitter was locked out of the house (by me and my really good habits), had to go to the neighbor's house to call me, I gave her the garage code and all is right with the world. It was her first babysitting job. 

We ended up back at Lowe's to buy garden soil - they were sold out of the stuff on sale, of course. So The Rock Star loaded up 80lbs of manure/compost, 80lbs topsoil, and 8cu ft of garden soil so we could finish the job. I found petunias on clearance, bought a bow rake and seed starter mix. After unloading everything, he points out that we didn't need to buy that $15 bow rake because we already had one. Yes, now we have two, so both of us can work in the garden. I set to spreading dirt in the garden, that felt wonderful. We watered it, then it rained because we are that smart.

I have always wanted bright cheerful flowers in my front yard, so I planted those clearance petunias around the tree. Not too shabby for my first attempt. How did I learn to do this? I've watched a lot of maintenance crews landscape pretty flowers in my time - I put that knowledge to work. I also planted some bulbs flowers in the backyard flower beds - hopefully, those will create pretty flowers.

Finally, I began planting seeds from all of the seed packets that had been purchased in the last 48 hrs. Seriously, I do not know what I'm doing. I read the directions for the jiffy pots and planted seeds. It dawned on me that I wouldn't know which pots had what seeds, so with the spoons I don't like and a Sharpie, the labels were created. I think I saw this on Pinterest. I made a huge mess. It felt great. Until the puppy went running off with one of the pots. Twice. There will be some carrots blooming in the middle of the yard mid-summer because of that part of the adventure. 

And so we come to the end of the day. The tv is on. The Firstborn Child is trying to make me color for her. She is half-laying on the table in order to be close to me. I think the Rock Star went to sleep. I wouldn't blame him. The Firstborn Child has turned in a magpie and keeps talking. And singing. Every 4 or 5 notes, she changes songs. It is the biggest mashup of songs I've ever heard. She is singing through her repertoire of folksongs and hymns. Have I mentioned that she is almost 3 years old?

I started the whole birthday experience by ordering a "Happy Birthday to me" gift. I love it. Just as much as my family, fish, gardening, and the perky puppy. I have a wonderful friend who has rebuilt her life and she makes beautiful things. 

For me, a birthday is about rebirth. I don't remember the day I was born. My birthday reminds that we have a lived one more year trying to make life better. This year, we have made great strides. The road ahead holds many adventures. My heart and mind are ready.

A moment of truth

A quick stop at Sonic today was a treat - Banana Caramel Shake, Large Diet Coke. Oh, since they didn't have bananas, did I want to wait 10 minutes for them to arrive? Um, no. Vanilla Caramel instead.

Then I heard a voice so vile and ugly, I shuddered. A car had pulled into the next stall and it was packed with people. Sedan. Packed. Their windows were down. My windows were down. The woman in the passenger seat kept shouting and I could not understand anything she said. They were all shouting at each other. I thought to myself, "I have to share space with these people on earth?" Yes, that happened in my mind. Should I roll up the window? No, I could probably still hear them. Should I try to understand their conversation? I don't want to. Oh, no, I want to. But what are they saying? It's Sonic. What needs to be yelled at Sonic? I looked over at the car and could only see the person with the vile, ugly voice. She looked like she hadn't bathed in a long time. There was no grooming or personal hygiene involved. Her behavior defied social norms. She was probably a few years older than me. I kept trying to understand her. It was impossible. Was she toothless? Was she mentally impaired? What was wrong with this woman that interrupted my Sonic solitude?

Nothing was wrong with her. Everything was wrong with me. Just because I didn't like someone's voice, I became the vile, ugly person. Not her. I am allowed to think such things, but I didn't like myself today after that moment.

Everyday, I try to share love with the world around me. I'm not a master at it. I don't get it right all the time. Today, I did not get it right inside my head. I did not love this person. I hurt myself and it did not feel good. I want to get it right next time.